Me? Homesick?

It's a strange feeling being homesick.  I don't have it often, to be completely honest.  I love my family and friends at home, but I have gained another family and friends here.  I can't replace my other one, of course, but globalization, man...it makes it so easy to talk to people who are so far away...as long as you can deal with the time difference!  I have been so independent for so long, and I unfortunately pride myself in being self-sufficient.

But every once in a while I realize that Skype just doesn't do it.  Lately more than ever I have noticed a need for dependence that I didn't realize that I have.  I have a vacation coming up, and I hadn't figured out what I was going to do.  A couple weeks ago I was looking for inexpensive airfare or train tickets to various locations, but couldn't find something that fit in the price range of...well...cheap, or that I would like to do alone.  I think that last word is what did it for me...alone.  I don't have a family to vacation with.  I don't have the huge support system with built-in friends that I once had at Concordia.  I don't even keep in contact with most of those friends anymore.  I don't have anyone visiting me this year. Most of my friends here are Chinese.  That is so wonderful!  But when I am homesick, it doesn't really help, because I need someone outside of this culture...someone from my own culture that I can talk to.

It finally got to me, and I tearfully looked up flights to America for my 4 day long vacation.  Of course, when reality hit, I started looking elsewhere in China again, but that longing for America still resides a bit in my heart.

I haven't been sleeping well lately.  Maybe I'm still technically getting enough sleep, but I lay in bed for hours before I can get to sleep. Tonight is no different.  I was tired at 11, but here I am at 2am writing a blog post because I am not tired yet.  I am just guessing that that has something to do with this funk that I am in.

Writing this makes me feel really vulnerable, and that's not an emotion that I am comfortable with.  But I think it's important for me to share with you that there are moments while living abroad when you feel like you have hit a brick wall of culture, and I am somewhere around there right now.

I have acclimated myself to Chinese culture as best as one could in 2 years.  But I am still unable to speak the language, and I am not often seeing the fruits of my labor.  English teaching is something that is very slow to see results.  Even more slow (often, anyway), is seeing results from teaching the Gospel.  That's hard to take.  I had one student tell me a couple weeks ago that he hates Jesus, and though I know it was said through ignorance, it pierced my heart and I wanted to cry.  The only thing I could bring myself to do was say that even though he didn't love Jesus, Jesus still loves him, and wants to live in his heart.

I knew before coming that there would be some tough things to deal with.  I learned in my mission classes pros and cons about mission work as a married couple/family versus a single person.  I knew about the loneliness, but learning about it is not the same as experiencing it first hand.  I am seeing many of my friends in America having babies.  Statuses are popping up all over, and those who I once knew as single people are now having a family of their own.  It's a struggle, to be honest.

I knew that seeing fruits of your labor doesn't often happen, but it doesn't make it less discouraging when you tend and tend and tend to the garden but only one flower comes up.  On one hand, I am celebrating that flower as it is very beautiful and spreading seeds of its own, but on the other hand, I am wondering what happened to the other seeds?

I think that getting away for a week-ish will help me be refreshed and rejuvenated   I have another week of work to get through, and then I can rest in a hotel somewhere, and hopefully be back up to 100% to finish the remaining 3 months of my term before I go home for home service.

People often tell me that I am so good, so brave, so strong to move to Macau.  I want to stop that rumor, as I am not that good, not that brave, and not as strong as I'd like to be.  But thankfully God is all of that and more for me.  He's my strength when I am weak.  He's brave when I am cowardly.  He's always good, and though I am not, he makes me good through Jesus Christ.

I don't know where I would be if it weren't for God's presence in my life.  Definitely not here.  But even though I do have these struggles, I thank God for his support.  I thank God for all of the people at home who will surely read this and then pray for me.  I thank God for the even greater gift of forgiveness when I make mistakes (which is a lot to be honest), and for the comfort that He gives.  In addition to praying for me to mentally get back in the game, I ask you to pray for my students and friends.  I have a few in particular that are on my mind who are at various stages of faith.  I pray that they would continue in the journey, and that they would have the Holy Spirit enter their lives to give them faith in God.

I am still down from being homesick.  Though I try to put happiness on my face, the loneliness and sadness sometimes seeps through.  Knowing that God will make it better eventually is comforting, but it doesn't fix it immediately.  Please pray that I kick back soon.